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[Sticky] Feedback on Second Skin?  

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Rival's Rapture
(@rivalsrapture)
Member Admin

Hey all! All of our writers want feedback, but I'm putting out a special call for Drew's first posted story (on our site) Second Skin

As for me, I appreciated its brevity as some of the stories on this site are gigantic and difficult to make it from one end to the other in a single sitting or even several. 

Also, the ladies wrestling part was very sexy, especially the slipping into unintentional 69's. 

And finally, the swerve was not only unexpected but also super 13th Floor'ish, which I loved. 

What did y'all think? :3

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Posted : 08/04/2019 12:52 pm
Catharsis
(@catharsis)
Rival Rival

Neat concept. A thought: what if the first paragraph was something like this?

Maryanne's fingers brushed the cold metal handrail as she descended the creaky starwell into the basement of her local gym. She inhaled its musty smell and wondered how many other women before her had been given permission to meet in this secluded setting for some private fun. Her long chestnut hair, tied in a ponytail, swayed to a stop as she reached the bottom. Her eyes took in her surroundings: simple overhead lighting, bare walls, and mats covering the floor. There was no doubt in her mind any more. 'This is really happening', she thought.

This contains the same information, but uses sense-based descriptions to ease the reader into the story's world as the POV character enters hers.  Doing this sets the reader up for the reveal at the end, after which these words are understood in a different light.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11/04/2019 1:09 am
Drew Powell
(@drew-powell)
Rival Rival
Posted by: Catharsis

Neat concept. A thought: what if the first paragraph was something like this?

Maryanne's fingers brushed the cold metal handrail as she descended the creaky starwell into the basement of her local gym. She inhaled its musty smell and wondered how many other women before her had been given permission to meet in this secluded setting for some private fun. Her long chestnut hair, tied in a ponytail, swayed to a stop as she reached the bottom. Her eyes took in her surroundings: simple overhead lighting, bare walls, and mats covering the floor. There was no doubt in her mind any more. 'This is really happening', she thought.

This contains the same information, but uses sense-based descriptions to ease the reader into the story's world as the POV character enters hers.  Doing this sets the reader up for the reveal at the end, after which these words are understood in a different light.

Dear Catharsis,

 

Thank you for valuable insight, I will change it accordingly during the course of tomorrow or overmorrow (a few years ago Rhett and Link of Good Mythical Morning complained the English language has no term for the day after tomorrow in a single word, and they were wrong, it does, since, IIRC since the 14th century, though my favorite expression is still fortnight).

I just literally sat down and wrote that while being heavily depressed, so it's possible my better ideas eluded me that time. Nonetheless, such words of encouragement and constructive criticism is why it's worthy to write, that's the other reason why it's not longer than my usual stories.

 

This is the first time I've publicly introduced the idea as a similar technology will be used in my Chinese-centric catfight/sexfight series while my main Patreon series will be on hiatus. No, I'm not that method that I keep a hiatus because the other story is a fictional streaming show, exactly because it's a story within a story that requires a ton of research that I need some time off doing other projects to avoid a burnout, which is something other writers understand and know besides a writer's block.

Life is like a boxing chocolate, you never know what you'll get, except for the hook.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11/04/2019 6:01 am
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