Nestled amongst the beautiful trees and rolling hills of western Massachusetts’ less traveled acres, sits Penngrove University. A private college, set aside from most, if not all others. For at Penngrove, it is not the students who apply for acceptance, but their parents, each sending in a description of their son’s or daughter’s social and sexual history, a description of their most private personality traits, and the goals the applying parent has for them in life.

Notice, if you will, the absence of any mention of grades, after school clubs, or even charity work done within their community. Said omissions are intentional, and key to understanding Penngrove’s practices, as it, as an institution, is not focused or even concerned in the least with forging world leaders, or producing the Wall Street’s next great executive…. No, for it exists almost exclusively to protect, benefit, and please the parents of the students which it accepts.

Each father and mother asking the dean of the school to focus on different goals for their child, the most prominent and frequent of their wants being:

Sons, who are oft-ill-behaved, to disappear into secluded distraction, during a long senatorial campaign, and hopefully the politician’s time in office.

Daughters being provided the opportunity to find a student of means who will, after a school-organized competition of worth, marry them.

Sons with a history of sexual promiscuity and carnal focus, being allowed to attend a school where their dalliances will not be judged or revealed – one where they may learn and graduate without fear of expulsion and familial embarrassment.

Daughters, who have yet to reach the state of sexual prowess their mothers know lies within them, to learn how to be a woman, a better woman than she was when she first stepped foot on campus, and also than those rivals they might encounter there, who dare vie for the heart of another they choose as their prey.

Sons who seem to their parents too timid and scholastically focused, to truly become a man and take for themselves a woman worth their family name.

Daughters who have a history of physical conflict and drama, being allowed to learn lessons of humility and/or how to turn their most prevalent traits into both sustainable and useful forms of dominance.

Given said goals, and the delicate and private nature of the parental requests, it is incumbent upon the school to find teachers and staff of a specific type, appearance, and lack of propriety and shame – attributes that once proven are paid well for, even without counting the various ‘benefits’ said staff enjoys, either with their students, their students’ overly involved parents, or each other.

Apart from the foregoing, in general form and function, Penngrove runs like any other university – having semesters, grades, homework, finals, etc…. But even when such topics are taught, and ideas are at issue, the school’s more salacious aspects are never too hard to find – playing out from classroom to classroom – the dean’s office to the phys ed locker room – the students and staff of Penngrove being forever at play.